Boundaries vs. Unrealistic Expectations

The word boundaries gets thrown around a lot in the media including celebrities fighting with their partners and TikTok stars sharing what “good” boundaries look like. While it is great that boundaries are getting more airtime, I think it’s important to recognize what is an appropriate boundary and what is an unrealistic expectation. Renegotiating boundaries or even putting some in place that have never existed for us are part of almost all the life stages we go through. When we leave our parents, deciding how much we interact with them and how much power they have in our lives gets reevaluated and turned into boundaries. When we get full-time jobs, we turn to boundaries to find our work/life balance. When we enter into relationships, romantic or not, the other person needs to know our boundaries to keep the relationship running smoothly. Even at age 85 people are still changing and renegotiating their boundaries to fit who they are today.

Unfortunately, the word boundary is misused a lot in our culture. It is often used interchangeably with unrealistic expectations. A personal boundary is a limit or rule we set for ourselves in a relationship that can be reasonably achieved. An unrealistic expectation is an unattainable standard we put on ourselves or others.

Defining Boundaries: Before we explore why boundaries are vital, let's define what they are. Boundaries are the invisible lines that define the limits and expectations within a relationship (with yourself or others). They serve as guidelines for acceptable behavior, personal space, and emotional expression. Establishing boundaries is an ongoing process that requires open communication and mutual understanding.

Respecting Individuality: One of the primary reasons why boundaries are essential is that they allow individuals to maintain their sense of self within the context of a relationship. Each person brings their values, interests, and personal space into the partnership. Respecting these individual differences through clear boundaries ensures that both partners can grow and flourish independently.

Building Trust and Safety: Boundaries create a sense of safety and predictability in a relationship. When both partners feel secure in knowing what to expect and how to navigate various situations, trust is cultivated. Trust is the foundation of a strong and lasting connection, and boundaries contribute significantly to its development.

Effective Communication: Healthy boundaries encourage effective communication. When individuals feel comfortable expressing their needs, desires, and concerns without fear of judgment, miscommunication is minimized. Open communication helps partners understand each other on a deeper level, fostering emotional intimacy and connection. Most people already have boundaries in their heads that they may have not recognized as boundaries and therefore failed to share them with their partner(s), friends, or family members. Try writing down boundaries you have, this is a great way to start a conversation with yourself and others to avoid miscommunications.

Preventing Resentment: Without clear boundaries, misunderstandings and unmet expectations can lead to resentment. Setting and respecting boundaries helps prevent the buildup of negative emotions, ensuring that both partners feel heard, valued, and understood.

Navigating Conflict: Boundaries provide a roadmap for navigating conflicts. When disagreements arise, knowing each other's limits and respecting those boundaries allows for a more constructive and compassionate resolution. It promotes problem-solving rather than escalating tensions. Demanding things of a partner starts the conversation off on a negative. Boundaries are clear actions that the boundary maker does, it does not require the other person to do anything besides respect the boundary. Wouldn’t you be more open to hearing how someone else is going to take action to change a behavior rather than demanding that you change a behavior?

Example: Jordan does not get along with their partner, Violet’s friend James. Jordan’s boundary is “Because I do not like hanging out with James, if he comes over to the house I will leave and go do something else.”

The Boundary: Jordan’s action is that they are going to leave the house if James comes over. This requires no action from Violet aside from allowing Jordan to leave the house which respects their boundary.

Unreasonable Expectation: “I do not like hanging out with James and I want you to stop being friends with him so I don’t have to see him.” This puts the action on Violet to end her friendship with James. This expectation is unrealistic and will most likely lead the couple into further conflict.

Promoting Self-Care: Establishing boundaries also involves recognizing and prioritizing self-care. Encouraging partners to take time for themselves, pursue individual interests, and recharge is crucial for maintaining emotional well-being. This, in turn, contributes to a more harmonious and balanced relationship.

In the intricate tapestry of love, boundaries serve as the threads that weave together the fabric of healthy and fulfilling relationships. As couples therapists, we emphasize the importance of open communication, mutual respect, and the continuous process of negotiating and refining boundaries. By embracing the power of boundaries, couples can create a strong foundation that allows their love to flourish and endure the test of time.

Reflection Questions:

Relook at the boundaries you had set in your relationship. Are they to prevent you from feeling insecure (can this be worked on personally) or are they protecting you from emotional distress?

When was the last time you discussed boundaries with your partner? With your friends? ….. With your parents/guardians?

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Navigating the Historical Void in American Sex Ed